You'll never know me. No one ever will.

"on the train i sit and shut my eyes
i am in the middle of some stupid world where my brain is
instead a huge, wet heart
and where my organs are are instead hearts
and my bones are all hearts too
and no heart anywhere in the world is beating but just wet and
humming and enormous
and i walk home
it is three p.m. and bright outside
and i know that my day is over
i lie on my bed and i wait for your phone call
the only person in the world that i like
my favorite person
not god but just a person
and i know you can’t save me, you didn’t create the universe in seven days
you’re just another person who isn’t in love with me
and maybe you can do something, still, i guess, and i want to murder you
and myself
and i get up and shut my door and shut the blinds and turn off every light
turn off the fan, everything
pull the covers over my face, pretend it’s night
and try to view my life as ironic and humorous
try to view it in a wry and detached way
but i can’t, and instead i try my hardest to cry
but that doesn’t happen either, so i just lie very still
and listen for your phone call, because now i’m thinking that maybe
you canceled on me by accident
maybe you are accidentally really in love with me
maybe the devil intervened and said you’d die
if you didn’t cancel, we’d both die if you didn’t cancel
or something
and i am lying very still and thinking all this and time keeps going
and i know that i must fall asleep for twenty hours
can’t wake up at nine p.m. rested and hungry and thinking of you
must sleep straight into tomorrow
and this is what i’m thinking
i’m thinking, please, just let me go to sleep
thinking, please, and i am listening
very closely for your phone call
and i am going a little insane
and after a long time, finally, i am insane, i am crying a little
the tiniest of cries, something minuscule and not even real
just some water behind my eyes, some salt
in the brain
not crying actually, but something else
something strange and new
a small piece of my heart, letting go
into the blood
about a hundred thousand pieces of my heart, into the blood
the whole thing, going places."